Alright, I don't know exactly why I am doing this, but I feel compelled to write. I imagine this is why people get up and bear their testimonies at church, because they feel like they need to. I have felt that before, but have never acted on it. This time...oh well, here goes.
I have to expand on the previous post about Beast. I tried to go comatose last night to forget all but the Xanax and 2 Tylenol PM just didn't take the visual out of my head. Let's hope this will be therapeutic for me because I am NOT a pretty crier and I can't cry forever.
Yesterday I went to pick Alexis up from school and I was, as usual, running late. Beast wanted to go with us but I had planned on going grocery shopping afterwards so I told him to go and lay on the porch. He headed for the house. I got in the car (this is where I start to cry again) and I felt the car run over something. I drove a little further and saw my Beaster lying in the road. (insert sobbing) I ran back to him but it was too late. He didn't suffer but oh my God what had I just done?!?!?! I immediately called Bryan and just kept saying over and over "I ran him over, get home, I ran him over." Bryan was freaking out because he thought I had run over Logan. I sat on the curb and my neighbor drove up and asked if I was OK. I just pointed to my little Beast, and asked if she could go get Alexis from school. Bryan hurried home and took care of Beast before Alexis could see it. I, of course, sat in my car and had a panic attack. Poor Alexis came home from school and Bryan told her Beast died. She sobbed. He didn't want me to tell her how it had happened, but I had to. I told her. I was so, so, so sorry. She reassured me that it wasn't my fault, but I still felt so incredibly horrible.
That little shit came out of nowhere! Nowhere! I never saw him. I feel so awful. I just keep seeing it all over and over in my head. I am a wreck. Alexis had a difficult time sleeping last night, because Beast usually cuddled with them at night so it really hit her then. My sweet little Brookie doesn't know what happened but she misses him. They slept together every night. She feels bad for me, because she keeps offering me a binki. Logan never cried even though he witnessed the whole thing. He tried to guess who had cried more, me or Alexis. But last night he made me cry again when he told Bryan " I hope Jesus takes good care of Beast, because I love him and I miss him."
I know that we are going to get thru this. I know that I will stop crying at some point. I just can't seem to shake it right now. Everyone loved Beast. Everyone. What was not to love? He was a little shit, but he was a sweetheart and all he wanted was to be loved. I gave away our other dog a few months ago....and now this...could I be a more horrible mom? I just don't think I'm cut out to be an animal owner. I am barely cut out to be a mother! Sorry this is the worst post ever, but I am hoping I can find some closure soon, before my eyes get too puffy to see out of!
6 comments:
It's totally okay to cry sweetie. If it helps any, I am crying my eyes out right along with you. A similar thing happened to me a few months. It wasn't my dog, and I am single and have no kids. I was on my way home from work one evening and a little girl was in her yard playing with a brand new puppy. For some reason the puppy decided to run out in front of my car before I knew what happened. I killed this child's dog as she watched it happen!!(sobbing profusely)I cried non-stop for days and still bawl uncontrollably when I talk about it, like now. You are not a bad person, you are not a horrible mom. Just a victim of circumstance. Accidents happen unfortunately. For both of us. I'm crying my heart out with you today.
Paige
You poor thing! I am so sorry.
Oh, I am so sorry. Your baby offering her binkie is so sweet!
So Sorry again Connie. I know exactly what you are going thru with the kids we had to put our family put down right after Thanksgiving and my little Cole just bawled his eyes out, he wanted to see her. So insert my sobbing here too and when I read your post. It does get easier I promise. Don't you hate it, they are little shits but you sure do miss them when you are not there.
Thank you sooo much, guys. I appreciate your kind words. Today was a little better but I still didn't want to drive so I made my husband and it hurt to come home and not have Beast waiting for us. I know it will get better but the little things like looking out the window and seeing his little path he had worn in the grass was hard. We were driving down a lane to pick up Alexis today and there was a dog on the lawn next to us and Logan said "Mom don't run over another dog." Great, thanks son! Thanks again everyone, and Paige...I cried with you too. That is sooo soo sad.
oh my goodness... i'm so sorry you are going thru this. love to you and your family.
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